22 May 2007

Why The Celtics Draft Plunge Is Good For The Sports Guy

By now we all know the results of the NBA Draft Lottery, with Portland and Seattle beating the odds, and Memphis and Boston falling to 4th and 5th, respectively. While the Grizzlies fans must be disappointed (assuming there are in fact Memphis Grizzlies fans...) it's the Celtics fans who will obviously be drinking heavier the next few days.

Resident Boston shouting-head Bob Ryan tried to sum it up in his column, entitled "Green Around Gills Over This One":

Who did what to whom? Was it decided that 16 championships in 30 years was somehow unfair and obscene and that enough was enough and the Celtics are never going to get another break again and that's that?

Because that's what it looks like. Nothing else can explain how the Celtics continue to suffer the wrath of powerful unseen forces determined to make their lives miserable.

But what about everyone's favorite writer Bill Simmons? He who flew to Boston just for the lottery. He who blamed himself for the Celtics not getting the first pick in 1997. You know what, it's probably a good thing for Simmons that his team didn't win. That's his shtick - the faux complaining, the agonizing, the losing. He thrives off of it, and more, he's great at it.

The Sports Guy and his teams are sort of like a successful TV drama. Think of any good drama you watch on TV. Is there always harmony? Do people ever get along?

No. Marriage and happiness, at least in dramatic terms, are a structural dead-end. It's a well-known fact, which explains why so many plays, novels and movies culminate on a wedding sans the actual exchanging of vows. When people get married, it shuts down too many plot options for the future. What can come out of marriage? Kids and adultery. That's it. Divorce and strife sell. That's what brings the viewers.

Taking it back to the Sports Guy, he can't be happily married to his Boston teams. If they were always winning, he wouldn't have anything to write about, considering how limited his topics already are. But it's the frustration, the losing, and the angst that gets him going. And that is what ultimately makes him successful. If all Boston teams went undefeated, it would be a yawner. He'd be boring. With his Hollywood experiences Simmons knows this all too well, and as painful as it must have been as a fan to see Oden and Durant slip away, he must have been smiling on the inside, for now he has a column topic for the morning.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

his teams are bad? The Patriots are gonna win the superbowl AGAIN this year and the Red Sox are blowing away baseball and might do the same.

I bet his column is about the Patriots and doesn't even mention the Celtics.

Like Fredo, they are dead to him.

Anonymous said...

Surely you aren't suggesting that the quality of Simmons' writing took a nose-dive when the Patriots started dominating football and the Red Sox finally won a World Series?

J Money said...

The Red Sox are "blowing away baseball"? Yep, on May 23, let's just hand the Sawx the trophy.

As for Simmons, maybe this means we won't have to suffer through endless columns about the Celtics... if they're terrible, he'll have to write about them less, right? I mean...right?

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see the Red Sox win the super bowl...

Vandermint said...

So we're supposed to be excited about Simmons doing his "woe-is-me" schtick about a Boston sports team?

Because that's not tired *at all*.

Matt said...

Ya cause I bet him writing about the Chinese guy they draft is going to be entertaining...

Chip's Moody Blues said...

What does it matter if his writing is going down the toilet and he's too busy doing podcasts with Paul Shirley and animated TV shows?

Anonymous said...

The Patriots will not win the Super Bowl, no one cares about the Celtics, and definitely no one cares about the
"Sports Guy".

Andy said...

Fuck Boston. I wish the Earth would open up and swallow that cess pool.

Anonymous said...

You are dead wrong.
Simmons is the antithesis of Boston sportswriters. Try reading Dan Shaughnessy and Bob Ryan every day, and you will see the true Boston columnist. Anyway, Boston (and HC hoops) teams are GOOD, not BAD (even the celtics will be middle pack next season, and nobody cares about the Bruins anymore).......seems like you have missed the last few seasons of the PATS and SOX! Other than that this column would have made sense in 2001, get creative.

Desidirius said...

Ah, thank you last anonymous, you make my point perfectly. The problem with Simmons is not that his writing is bad when his teams are good, it's that he is %$#@ing insufferable. (Much, by the way, as 97 percent of Boston and New York fans seem to be.) He is a thousand times as entertaining when he is kvetching as when he is all doe-eyed, heaping praise on his beloveds.

Anonymous said...

Proof of Simmons' appeal is the fact that in numerous threads about him on this and other pages, so many of you have to find time to chime in to discuss the decline in quality of his columns. Which is probably true, its' hard to stay with the "A" game forever, but I still check him out. Great read on the crapper for years at work.

John said...

Simmons is absolutely insufferable when talking about Boston teams. When a Boston team is loosing, he somehow manages to overcome himself and be a decent writer again. For example, he is absolutely worthless as a baseball writer. He is in fact less than worthless if that is possible. The only time he manages to say anything intelligent about baseball is when the Red Sox are loosing and not a factor. If the Red Sox are winning, forget it. I can't stand him. I loath him all the more so because he can be a good writer but just refuses to be so when it comes to Boston. At some point someone needs to take Bill aside and explain to him that no one outside of New England, other than band wagon fans can stand the Red Sox and no one really cares that he likes them and no one really cares that he was a little rich kid who dad had front row seats at the Garden. No one cares about you or your life Bill. It is just kind of pathetic he doesn't realize it.

Anonymous said...

this is a stupid thing to write a blog about

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