Boston & New York City Officials Both Trying To Jinx Their Teams

One of the unspoken rules in sports is don’t be presumptive. Just as Plaxico Burress learned earlier in the week, you don’t want to do anything to give the other side bulletin board material. This same superstition goes towards their cities and championship parades.

Here’s the thing. By necessity cities must plan ahead for these type of large-scale events – nobody would want to see what would happen if they didn’t. But c’mon, this isn’t the kind of thing you’d want to make public, is it? That would go against superstition...yet both cities have just done that.

So if you’re a Giants or Patriots fan hoping to attend a victory celebration next week, here are the details. Put them in our Outlook.

Should the Giants win, their parade will take place Tuesday beginning at the U.S. Customs house at Battery park at 11 a.m. The parade will take the players up Broadway to City Hall Plaza, where a 1 p.m. ceremony is planned.

Boston will also be having their parade on Tuesday should the Patriots complete their perfect season. But they’re being a little more coy. Rather than releasing firm details, it seems like they understand the idea of a jinx, preferring to use words like “probably” and “maybe.” That being said, start camping out on Dartmouth, Boylston, and Dartmouth Streets just in case.

One way or the other, this Tuesday will surely be a Super Tuesday. 24 states, including New York and Massachusetts will hold their primaries, and one of those states will also celebrate a Super Bowl Championship. Let’s just say there won’t be much work done somewhere on Tuesday.

A Done Deal: Orangutan Picks Pats In Super Bowl

With all the posturing and wagering going on the last two weeks, the parties and commercials are almost a bigger deal than the game itself. But the game means something...you can even bet on the God factor. And if you were in any doubt as to who was going to win the Super Bowl, look no further. The Louisville Zoo’s Amber the Orangutan has spoken, and she’s going with the Patriots.

As part of her Animal Enrichment Program, Amber was faced with a choice. One that typically is used to give mental and physical stimulation to animals suddenly became a choice with huge consequences.

Amber was given a choice between Patriots and Giants t-shirts. She first grabbed the Giants shirt, but then grabbed the Patriots shirt. After going back and forth between the two, she finally chose the Pats shirt and put it on.

Please don’t think her pick was akin to a youthful, rash decision. No sir, this chimp is 20 years old, and has seen it all. Or at least as much as a Orangutan living in a zoo for that long can see. I can only imagine that as the Vegas bookmakers read this they’re shaking their heads, thinking to themselves: it’s that easy?

This Super Bowl Lodging Offer Includes Strippers

If you're headed to Arizona this weekend and don't already have Super Bowl housing by now, then you're in big trouble. You could stay with a bunch of nuns, or with somewhat desperate guys like this one.

If you are to stay at this Phoenix-area couple's house, they'll do it all for you. For $1,000 per night, that is. You and your three friends will be provided with meals and transportation for the weekend. But wait, there's more. $1,000 per night doesn't just get you that. There's a little special added value. To quote the Craigslist posting:

AS AN ADDED BONUS WE HAPPEN TO BE FRIENDS WITH A FEW VERY ATTRACTIVE STRIPPERS, WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO STOP BY AND TAKE CARE OF SOME OF YOUR ENTERTAINMENT NEEDS!!!!!!!!!

WE REALLY NEED THE MONEY, AND WOULD BEND OVER BACKWARDS TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR STAY IS A PLEASANT ONE. AND OUR FRIENDS MIGHT BE WILLING TOO DO THE SAME...

Oh yes, those "Entertainment Needs." Is that what it's called these days? Either way, it's amazing and scary at the same time. Everyone in the Phoenix area is looking to make a buck off the Super Bowl, and you've got to hand it to this couple for providing something the five-star hotels just won't do (or at least say so in public).

Who knows if anyone will take htem up on their offer, but if someone does, it's got the potential to be both the most thrilling and insane weekend of all time. One way or the other it'll be a great story to tell. And it's better than staying with nuns.

(HT: Eye On Foxborough)

Farewell, Lingerie Bowl

Super Sunday just got a little more tame, and the only winner here is Tom Petty. It’s with regret that LIO passes along the news that the staple of the biggest day in sports is no more. Lingerie Bowl V has been canceled.

“Unfortunately we wasted too much time in Scottsdale in trying to attain a permit thus limiting our possibilities in neighboring cities,” said Horizon Productions spokesman Chris Martin, who had no comment on the city’s handling of the application.

So if you’re looking for scantily clad women during this year’s halftime, you’ll have to look elsewhere...perhaps your own living room?

This year’s cancellation means that the last two Lingerie Bowls have been cancelled. Last year’s cancellation was blamed on the fact that they were trying to switch from pay-per-view to cable TV. But fear not, true lovers of sport. Lingerie Bowl VI really will happen. Or so says its organizers, who already claim to have the proper permits for next year’s match in Tampa. Let the countdown begin!

You No Longer Need To Know Sports To Become An Australian Citizen

Gaining citizenship in any country is a big, big deal. In the United States as well as elsewhere people study and work extremely hard to gain it. The same goes for Australia. But the road to citizenship is a little easier there, especially for those who haven't brushed up on their sports trivia.

The test was supposed to be designed to demonstrate Australian values, traditions and history. Instead the 20-question test seemed to be pretty trivial in nature, as sports trivia questions prevailed over those that, you know, matter.

"They're the important things that people entering our society to become citizens need to understand," Immigration Minister Chris Evans said. "Whether or not they need to understand the history of Walter Lindrum's contribution to billiards in the 1930s and 40s I'm not so sure."

But wait a minute. Don't think that all sports knowledge should be wiped away from potential citizens' minds. While Lindrum might not matter, others do. And one of those would be Sir Donald Bradman or The Don, considered to be Australia's greatest cricketer of the 1930s. Questions about him will not be dropped.

"We all love The Don," he said. "I have no problem with The Don. I think The Don is a reasonable thing to put in any understanding of Australia, its love of cricket."

And so sports does have its place in Australian society, just like it does in every other country. It's a part of culture, and helps to define a society just as the arts do. But only so much. As it should, sports will have some place in the citizenship test. But rightfully so, it shouldn't be the main subject.

Where's The Chicken? Not At The NHL All-Star Game

Up until recently, the NHL seemed to be making a mini-resurgence. Ratings seemed to be a little better, and the New Year’s Day outdoor game really brought some positive attention towards the league. Yet things are stagnating. Golden boy Sidney Crosby is out up to two months, and its All-Star weekend is in many ways fizzling out.

For Atlanta residents used to large, national events in their city, the NHL’s All-Star weekend is largely a local affair. And because it’s so open to Thrashers season ticket holders, it just doesn’t bring in the cash. It’s estimated to bring an economic impact of around $20 million. Seems good, but consider that the 2003 NBA All-Star game brought in $34.3 million, and last year’s NCAA Final Four brought in $45.2 million.

So despite it not being one of the big boys, the NHL can still rule the roost for one weekend, right? Thing again – it’s being upstaged. By chickens.

By chickens I mean the International Poultry Expo, a three-day event heralded as the largest trade show for the poultry and egg industry. According to the Atlanta Convention & Visitors Bureau the chicken-fest attracted 20,000 people and was responsible for booking 25,000 hotel room nights. The NHL’s contribution pales by comparison. There will be about 8,000 visitors accounting for around 6,700 hotel room nights.

So while the NHL may get its moment to shine, it may be outdone by that large clucking sound not too far away.

Phoenix Nuns Helping The Needy Super Bowl Fan

The last time I checked out the happenings of nuns, they were giving all of God’s support towards the San Antonio Spurs. And it worked – they won the NBA title back in June. Now another group of nuns are doing their best to help the needy, but for a price.

The Our Lady of Guadalupe Monastery in Phoenix is looking to pay off a loan, and so they’ve done the only sensible thing. They are opening up their doors for Super Bowl lodging, turning typical retreat rooms into a makeshift hotel. You could easily pay $1,000 a night for a fancy hotel or rental home that weekend, but is there a better good-luck sign for your team than staying at a religious institution? And at $250 per night, it’s a relative bargain.

Many a fan has asked for God’s help this season, and he answered the prayers of the two teams who’ve made it this far. So is there a better place to spend the weekend at one of his homes? Let’s just say you’ll have a little more going for your team at the game.

“I would think it would lend itself to having a lot of people praying for them,” Sister Linda Campbell said jokingly. "It can't hurt.”

The Monastery has updated its facilities to all the typical amenities: satellite TV and high-speed internet now make the place a more modern place. But the rowdy should beware – it won’t be a party-scene...alcohol will not be allowed.

As of yet the Monastery has yet to book any rooms for next weekend. Will you be the first?

Barbaro: Immortalized

Barbaro fans rejoice! The champion racehorse is being immortalized just as he deserves with a statue to be unveiled in New York City’s Central Park this April. While the statue and honor may be no surprise, the thought behind it surely is.

The title of the statue? “The Barbaro Memorial for the Right to Die,” and it is dedicated to the practice if euthanasia. It surely wasn’t what I was expecting either.

The statue depicts Barbaro not during his best times, but perhaps his worst. He’s shown with his stomach and hooves in the air, bringing us back to the moment of his Preakness injury. He may have been put down, but the statue’s backers clearly believe it was well too late.

"A suffering horse cannot call Dr. Kevorkian for an assisted suicide because, like Terry Schiavo, the ailing horse cannot speak for itself," said gallery co-director, David Kesting. It was reported that in the end, Barbaro was biting at people before he was finally allowed to die with dignity."

Yes, Indeed.

"We believe a memorial dedicated to the Right to Die will encourage horse owners to forego their own self-interests and act mercifully on behalf of their suffering horse," said gallery co-director, John Leo. "If Barbaro has taught us anything, it is that horses deserve our compassion first."

Coming from the same sculptor who did the Britney Spears birth and Paris Hilton autopsy pieces, this one is almost too mild. Perhaps a Dr. Kevorkian sculpture right next to it would be a better combo.

Central Park has too many worthy things within it to count, but the Barbaro Memorial? Only time will tell, but I’m guessing this may be one of the things to skip over.

Now That It’s Convenient, New Yorkers Celebrate Eli

Hey New Yorkers! Doesn’t it seem like a long, long time ago that you were desperately wishing for Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin to ride off together into the sunset, or at least to another team? It might seem like a long time ago, but that was actually in November. And December. But that’s not the point – you love him now!

And to take advantage of his newfound popularity surge, a lower-tiered sports league is turning Eli into a promotion. The New York Titals of the National Lacrosse League have announced that their January 31st game against San Jose will be “Eli Appreciation Night.” Fans who show up wearing Manning’s jersey will gain free admission to the game. But better yet, you don’t even have to be a Manning fan for this promotion. You just have to be an Eli. Those named “Eli,” “Elijah,” or even “Elisha” will get in for free just based on their name.

"We want to show our solidarity with our fellow New York team and show support for Eli, who often gets a bum rap in this town," said Tim Kelly, COO of the New York Titans. "We are very proud of the New York Giants and are rooting for them to ruin the New England Patriots perfect season."

So if you’re a Titans fan, a Giants fan, a Manning fan, or even someone looking to stay warm next week, you now know where to find your good time. And of course say you were with Eli from the beginning while you’re at it.

Frostbite Doesn’t Slow This Runner Down

Andrew Wells is a manlier man than I’ll ever be. He spent nearly 17 hours on the Ice Age Trail in the Northern Kettle Moraine State Forest last weekend, braving the bitter cold to win the Frozen Otter Ultra Trek. 17 hours in temperatures down to 15 below zero. But he’s also a manlier man than I because of his determination to win. So determined, in fact, that he’s lost two toes because of it.

Wells was so intent on victory that he says he didn’t even notice that frostbite was settling in.

“My feet were obviously frozen, so I couldn’t feel them,” he said. “And it was too cold to take my shoes off to check my feet. On my hands, I had mittens on, and just to take them off for 30 seconds, my hands got really cold, painful. I thought my toes were OK.”

But they weren’t. Wells will have surgery to remove two of his toes later this week. But alas, a victory is a victory, and he doesn’t seem to have too many complaints.

“There’s nothing I can do about it now,” he said during an interview from his hospital bed. “I can live a good life without toes. I don’t think it will slow me down. My balance might be a little bit off, but I’ll still continue racing.”

Indeed – a good life indeed. A life with only eight toes, an a great story to tell. Try beating that one...

Prank Calls Are One Way To Liven Up SEC Women’s Basketball

I’d bet that the typical weekly SEC Women’s Basketball teleconference can be described in one word: boring. The one that took place on Tuesday was a little more interesting, thanks to some prank callers who infiltrated the call.

The calls are meant for members of the media, and are accessible solely through a number handed out by the SEC. Whoops! What transpired was a mix between the Jerky Boys and Borat.

The prank callers, who were claiming to be legitimate reporters from actual media outlets, managed to get on and ask at least six questions to more than half of the league's 12 coaches. The questions were graphic in nature and included inquiries about coaches having sexual relations with players and players' performances based on their menstrual cycles.

The prank was clever indeed, but what made it even better was the fact that the coaches went along with it. Arkansas coach Tom Collen was one of them, as he responded as if it were a legitimate question. So really, Coach Collen, just how do players’ menstrual cycles influence your coaching decisions?

In all seriousness, the prank obviously did ruin the hard work of the people dedicated to SEC Women’s Basketball. But even so, it’s hard not to laugh...and eagerly await the audio.

Wisconsin Cop Takes High School Football Into His Own Hands, Gets Fired

Just because the Packers lost in the NFC Championship Game doesn’t mean you’ve heard the last of crazy Wisconsin football fans. Like other football hotbeds, fans will do just about anything in their power to help their beloved teams. But imagine what you could do to help out if you were a cop!

A Wisconsin sheriff’s lieutenant used all the powers bestowed upon him by the law not to maintain the peace, but instead help out his son’s high school football team. Lt. Shawn Haney was fired for using his position as well as official reports in an attempt to weaken the Waunakee High School football team right before they were to play his son’s team in the state playoffs.

Two weeks before the state quarterfinals game on Nov. 3 in which DeForest defeated Waunakee, Haney gave documents to the Waunakee School District detailing the party on a farm where a teacher's aide lived.

Then, days before the game, Haney called a top official at the Wisconsin Intercollegiate Athletics Association to complain the district hadn't disciplined athletes at the party and urge action, according to his dismissal letter.

Through his lawyer, Lt. Haney thinks he did nothing wrong. Or, to be more precise, “I mean, really, come on.” But there was something wrong here. He should have stepped away from handling the case once it was blatantly clear there was a conflict of interest. And that’s why he was fired. Lt. Haney thinks it isn’t a big deal, but it was.

As crazy as this sounds, it isn’t. Not in Wisconsin.

"It's not like he was trying to influence the election of the governor," the lawyer said. "We're talking about two little tiny school districts. ... But this is Wisconsin. We do take our football kind of seriously."

Happy Birthday Lion In Oil!

Believe it or not, LIO has turned one year old today. It all started off with this post, and 448 posts later, we're still here! So thanks must go to everyone who has contributed to the site in one way or the other, and similarly to the many whose linkage has introduced our stuff to the masses.

So if you're new to these territories, here are a few posts from the past year that you might have missed:

• The first post I think anyone ever read.
  
• This post got a lot of people angry.
  
• Our first stab at something serious.
  
• Girls. Beer. Michael Yanow's Camera. Hits galore.
  
• An interview with my friend, Keith Law.
  

I could go on, but you get the idea. Thanks to everyone again!

To Spite Eli, Green Bay Station Pulls The Plug On “Seinfeld”

It’s long been shown that having the home-field advantage is a tremendous help to any team. But with the Green Bay Packers, they really have a home-state advantage. They’ve moved around their church services, and now they’re doing everything they can to rattle the Giants. And one of those things includes taking “Seinfeld” off the air.

WLUK, the Fox affiliate in Green Bay airs reruns of “Seinfeld,” including ones on Saturdays at 5:30p CT. Giants QB Eli Manning is a fan of the show...and so the station has pulled the program.

"That's exactly when Eli will be relaxing in his downtown Appleton hotel room getting ready for Sunday's game," WLUK says in a news release. "Why give comfort to the enemy?" said Jay Zollar, general manager. "Green Bay Packers fans do not want any of the New York Giants to get a good night's sleep, and Fox 11 will do its part."

And so the good folks of Green Bay and its surrounding areas have a choice as to what thrilled program they’ll get instead. An episode of “M*A*S*H*,” a Vince Lombardi special and a rerun of Donald Driver’s weekly show are the options. Umm, does everyone have to suffer?

I’ve never seen Wisconsinites act meanly or maliciously, and this surely isn’t either – it’s all in good fun. But if I were Eli, or any of the other Giants, I’d learn a lesson from Kobe and bring my own food on this road trip as well.

In Wisconsin It's Packers Before Church

As you might expect, Packer fever has really hit Wisconsin. And if you think it hasn't permeated through all aspects of Wisconsin life, think again. Packer fever has taken over a Madison church.

The Madison Church of Christ is moving its Sunday Church service up an hour to 4pm this coming Sunday. The church says an earlier service will allow them to have a great worship and which also allows the congregation to pray and then root for the Packers. And, fittingly, everyone is being encouraged to wear Packer- wear in support of the home team.

So there you have it. Packers before church. And at least on Sunday, one congregation has an answer to What Would Jesus Do? Watch and root for the Packers. New York Giants, you have no chance.

In The World According To Belichick, The Chargers Are The Best Team In The AFC

A while back we pointed out that Bill Belichick had pretty high expectations for his squad (). And if only a 19-0 start to the season would satisfy him, then he’s well on his way to satisfaction. But Tuesday’s press conference comments showed that perhaps Bill has a new take on things. The Patriots are not the best. In fact they should be emulating a different team. Who? The Chargers, who, according to Belichick is the best team in the AFC.

I really feel like we’re playing the best team in the AFC, in San Diego, certainly in the second half of the year. They’re an outstanding football team in every phase of the game. They have great talent, great production in every phase of the game. Well coached. I think [coach] Norv [Turner] and [general manager] A.J. [Smith] have done a tremendous job putting this team together. They’re playing as well as you can play right now.

The Chargers’ run is both shocking and expected at the same time. We might have expected them to do this at the outset of the season, but in their current condition? Hardly. So what’s Belichick doing here? It’s anyone’s guess, really. If you’ve been on Mars recently you’d think the Patriots would be overmatched and a long shot to win. Rather, it’s probably Belichick’s latest way of coaching up his squad.

And finally, a rhetorical question for you: if the Chargers are the best team in the AFC, then the Patriots are what, exactly?

For At Least This Week, Giuliani Doesn't Want Packers Fans' Votes

If you were to listen to Rudy Giuliani most days he'd probably talk about two things: 9/11, and his 50 state strategy. The first is useful as it describes just about everything his candidacy stands for. And his 50 state strategy explains his rationale for remaining in the Republican primary.

Yet for at least this week, it doesn't seem like Giuliani wants to win every state, or get every vote. He might be pro-life, but as a New York Giants fan this week he's anti-Packers. And so he won't be signing any Packers-related materials on the campaign trail.

“I won’t sign that,” he said after campaign chairman Pat Oxford handed him the hat. “No no, no, that would be bad luck right now. I’ll sign it after (the game),” Giuliani told the man as he instead signed another supporters’ Giants visor.

But the Packers fan was relentless again demanding Giuliani, “sign it now!” Giuliani again refused the request to which the man grunted.

It seems like signing something of the opposing team would be a small concession to make for a potential vote. But as we saw with John Kerry and his football gaffes four years ago, you can't be too careful. Giuliani should be careful though. Wisconsin is a swing state, after all, and should Giuliani make it to the General Election he should expect them to have a long, long memory.

Yankees Fan Sues Over Steroids, Must Be Cheapest Fan Around

Attention attention-hounds and frivolous lawsuit fans: you’ve met your match. Meet Yankees fan Matthew Mitchell. He’s 30 years old, and must be the cheapest Yankees fan aside from George Costanza. He’s suing the team over steroids. In small claims court. For $221. Really.

"I look at it almost as consumer fraud," said Matthew Mitchell, 30, a Brooklyn resident who said he went to his first game at Yankee Stadium in 1984. "If I'm going to watch a baseball game, then I expect it to be the real thing."

Matthew Mitchell wants to be reimbursed for tickets to five games between 2002 and 2007. They include Game 2 of the 2003 World Series, in which pitcher Andy Pettitte led the Yankees to a win.

Yes, this is real. And yes, this is the most absurd thing I’ve heard today. If you’re going to sue, make it worth it – ask for a lot! What are his real motives? Attention? It surely isn’t the money. Perhaps instead it’s that Mr. Mitchell is just someone with a little too much time on his hands.

The Yankees had no comment, and well, good for them. This isn’t worth their time.

China To Airlines: Your Flights WILL Be On Time For The Olympics

These days flying has become a treacherous affair, especially if you’re unfortunate enough to be in coach class. U.S. airline delays were at an almost all-time high in 2007, and as the New York Times pointed out last November, if you’re flying coach, the airlines just don’t care about you. Other countries have the same problems, but some are actually doing something about it.

Enter China, whose government seems to be willing to do just about anything to make sure its people and its country is ready for their historic Olympiad this summer. And falling in line with that China’s General Administration of Civil Aviation delivered a clear, simple, and stern warning to the airlines of the world: be on time.

China has vowed tough punishments on airlines to ensure that chronically late aircraft run smoothly for the 2008 Olympic Games, state media reported.

Airlines that fail punctuality standards from July through September at Beijing and other major cities would have their offending flight routes suspended for that quarter, the official Xinhua news agency said late on Thursday.

Now you’d think with a declaration like this China’s airport system would be a smooth, efficient machine. But it’s quite the opposite. Despite being the ninth busiest airport in the world, Beijing’s airport ranked 62nd in a 2006 international passenger satisfaction level survey. And while Americans just sit around and complain about our situation, the Chinese take action!

Passengers using China's rapidly expanding airways can face long delays, abrupt cancellations and surly, overwhelmed staff. Seething passengers have sometimes fought back by refusing to leave aircraft until compensation is paid for late flights, storming runways, and breaking down doors when herded into lounges after unannounced diversions to remote airports.

Ah, yes. You try the compensation route next time your flight is late. I’d love to hear what happens. So anyhow, the message is clear. Chinese citizens must behave. Athletes must compete. Children must continue doing child labor, and airports must be on time.

Whoa There! Man Catches Swordfish With Bare Hands

Enter this into the category of things you don’t see too often. A Florida man waded into the ocean recently, and came out of it with a swordfish in his hands.

A man visiting Lucaya recently spotted a large fish swimming near shore.

He slowly approached a juvenile swordfish and wrestled it to the shoreline. After convincing his partner that they needed to spend a great deal of money to land swordfish, he proved his theory wrong by catching one with his bare hands.
It has not been determined if the fish was sick, or had been recently caught. After a few photos, and some cuts and bruises on the man who caught the fish, the fish was released.

I’m not a fisherman, and I can count the times I’ve gone fishing on one hand. But if it were that easy (or thrilling), maybe I’d do it more often. And look at how calm he looks in the photos...as if he’d done it before! The best part, of course, is that since the swordfish was eventually released, this is a story even PETA can embrace.

A Spears Finally Did Something Right

Going against the trend of recent years, a Spears did something good for a change when Brittany Spears was given an award. That’s right. It’s not the Britney you’re used to, but instead Brittany, who is a Freshman forward on the University of Colorado women’s basketball team. She won the Big 12 Rookie of the Week award, leading the Lady Buffs to their 10th straight victory on January 4th.

So congrats Spears family! You still may not have done anything right (well, getting pregnant does mean doing something right), but at least someone with the name did.

Theives Prove Packers Mailboxes Don't Belong In Illinois

The Bears-Packers rivalry is one of sports' greatest, and clearly runs deep. Deep enough to the point where you wouldn't want to put the wrong mailbox in enemy territory. Take Antoich, IL, for example. Despite being just a few miles from the Wisconsin border, Packers mailboxes don't fly. At some point on New Year's Eve thieves came by and swiped the mighty Packers Mailbox on the 25200 block of Antioch.

Reason number one this was clearly a rivalry theft: it was the second time the Packers mailbox was stolen.

Reason number two this was clearly a rivalry theft: the Chicago Bears mailbox at the same house has yet to be stolen.

Reasons one and two can be combined to show this is more like a battle between pride, stubbornness and determination. Ah, just what this rivalry is all about! Now I'd never advocate theft, but well, at least this wasn't violent. So Packers fans shouldn't retaliate...but they do know where that never-been-stolen Bears mailbox is, don't they.

Did Roger Clemens Asterisk His Own Autograph?

So did Roger Clemens jump the gun and put an asterisk on an autographed ball on his official site? It sure looks like Clemens wrote 350* Ws and 4,500* Ks. But alas, his website tells us that what he really wrote was 350+ Ws and 4,500+ Ks. Without a trained eye (or the website’s help) you might be confused. It sure is ironic though.

While an autographed ball with asterisks would be a great collector’s item, imagine if Clemens really did have a third ear coming out of his forehead and routinely pulled things with his teeth. Otherwise, you know, the autograph would probably worth a lot more.

(HT: Fark)

This Cow Is A Virginia Tech Fan Marked For Life

Move over Virgin Mary Toast, there’s a new inspirational image in town. And this time it’s a Virginia Tech fan. Well, sort of. Babe is a calf living in Virginia, and she seems to have all the markings of a Hokie fan.

Babe was born a typical cow, and lived a typical cow’s life. That is until her owners realized she has a VT logo on her forehead.

The wife of one of the calf's owners was watching a Virginia Tech football game one day, when she glanced over at the calf, and saw the VT logo.

She couldn't believe her eyes, according to Hayden.

It's a feeling that other people who look at the calf for the first time, can relate to.

"They think it was painted on. It's hard to believe it was there, actually grew there," Hayden says.

And so Babe’s owners are doing all they can to profit off of her. Not by making her into hamburgers (she’s a dairy cow), but by promotional appearances! She made her first appearance at a restaurant to coincide with last Thursday’s Orange Bowl. I’m sure there will be more to come.

So here’s a question that perhaps a copyright lawyer might be able to answer. Obviously VT has trademarked their logo, and forbids non-licensees from profiting off of it. But how does that work when it’s part of the pattern on an animal’s body? They didn’t mean for it to be that way...but now what?

LSU Using Video Games To Prepare For Ohio State

One of the major rights of passage for most male college students is that of the video game. During his four (or five, six...) years, he shall not only master the term paper and beer bong, but also the ability to play video games for hours on end. You'd think the results of such are both glorious and tragic at the same time. Yes, he sure did master Halo 2 way back when, but it was probably at the expense of whatever classes he was taking at the time.

The LSU football team plays video games too. But it's not at the expense of anything. Or at least that's the case for Quarterbacks Matt Flynn and Ryan Perrilloux. No sir, they're playing a custom-made video game to help them prepare for Monday's match up against Ohio State.

XOS Technologies, a company that specializes in gearing technology to the needs of coaches, worked with EA Sports to produce the PlayAction Simulator that LSU has used this season.

"What they've done is they put our plays into the video game and then they put in our opponents' defenses," said Crowton, the Tigers' first-year offensive coordinator.

The game is a stripped-down version of the Madden and NCAA Football you and I are used to playing. The game-play is there, but the frills such as cheerleaders and crowd noise are gone. And it even allows LSU Offensive Coordinator Gary Crowton customize each player's playbook.

Technology is everywhere these days. It's footprint has been as much over sports as anywhere else. All the positives (instant-replay) and negatives (steroids) have come because of it. And Crowton's video game is just another example of that. And in this case it's refreshing, as there's nothing controversial about it. Rather, it's just a clean, innovative way to get a leg up on one's opponents.

There's At Least One Porn Star In The Jaguars' Corner

On the eve of the NFL Wild Card weekend there's plenty of excitement to be had. Most of it will be focused on the four games to be played. But there's also a new Jacksonville Jaguars fan to be excited about. Porn star Jenny Hendrix is trying to make a career for herself as a football commentator by parlaying her love for the game into a new profession. She's starting off by appearing on the PG13 Football Internet radio program. And she's darn serious about this. The star of “The Jenny Hendrix Anal Experience" says she loves football about as much as she enjoys anal sex.

“No one else in the porn industry is doing this,” she says. “There are a lot of girls in this industry who don’t want to make a name for themselves.”

One person who already knows Hendrix’ name is Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio, who called the show her first day on the job.

“He was familiar with my work,” she says gleefully. “He says he saw it in a hotel.”

Oh my - he saw it in a hotel. I'm sure his wife was nodding approvingly in the kitchen as he made the call into the program. But it's the playoffs, after all. So with that in mind the Jaguars need all the support they can get.

(HT: The Naughty American, Walk Off Balk)

It Seems That Chargers Fans Don't Want To Sit In The Rain

Ah, the NFL playoffs are finally here! With it comes the joy and anticipation for the playoff teams and their fans. This weekend's Wild Card round will also likely be a partly soggy one, as rain is expected for Sunday's Chargers/Titans clash in San Diego. Many San Diegans are big Chargers fans, but all San Diegans expect pristine weather all the time. And forced to pick, it seems as though many are choosing the weather. They've decided that even if they're a big Chargers fan, they don't want to stand out in the rain.

“I've been to playoff games in the rain twice,” said Manny Rose II of North Park, who was selling three tickets online on Craigslist. “I would probably prefer to sit in front of the TV. I know that's sad since I'm a die-hard fan, but I see no shame with watching the game on TV.”

Manny Rose isn't alone. A quick of Craigslist shows hundreds of tickets on sale, and StubHub shows almost as many as well. All this just reinforces the idea that Southern California is comprised of nothing but fair-weather (or in this case good weather) fans.

It's time for Chargers fans to stand up and do the right thing - be a good fan! Sure, there may be rain, but this is the playoffs! Does Herm Edwards need to show up and explain the playoffs? I've been through a few rain football games, and I'll admit that it wasn't the most comfortable three hours. But it was worth it. And it really was a lot of fun.

So maybe this is a good thing. Maybe the ticket prices will drop to where the real fans can attend - those who may not be able to shell out the money each week, but watch faithfully on TV. They're the real heard and soul of a team. And they probably won't have any gripes about sitting out in the rain either.

It's Hard Out There For The TigerPimpNation

In last week's post about the Louisiana trial lawyers who were trying to avoid having a trial on January 7th, something was sorely overlooked: their affiliation with TigerPimpNation. In order to show just how much of a LSU fanatic they were, these lawyers exhibited their membership in T.P.N. But perhaps they should be prouder to be a member of the Louisiana State Bar, and with that in mind, maybe entering TigerPimpNation into court records wasn't the greatest idea. Just who is T.P.N.?

By day, these brothas from different mothas get they shine on and blend in like a fo' dollar cup of coffee in they surroundings. They so smooth you might work, go to church, play basketball or even be married to a Tiger Pimp, and not even realize how precarious your position is. You may think you recognize a Tiger Pimp or two but don't fool yo'self - any Tiger Pimp who catches you dangerous eyeballin' him will have no choice but to go Guerilla Pimp up side yo' head.

Now you may be startin' to raise yo' mind to a higher level of understanding bout' the Tiger Pimps. Ya' see once a year - for one LSU football roadgame - the Tiger Pimps descend on an unsuspecting SEC opponent and pimp the living she-at outta they campus! Ain't nothing like when a Ole Miss grand-pa asks if his granddaughter can pose for a picture with 20 purple and gold playa pimps. Make 'em turn they own coed's out! That's a finesse pimp move fo' sheezy!

The T.P.N. is "famous" for touring one LSU road game per season, and the crew making an in-state exception for Monday night's BCS Championship game. So if you're lucky enough to attend the game, and see these clowns, now you'll know who they are. And if you're not going to the game, you can go to their viewing party and make fun of them there as well.

These guys may be ridiculous, but at least a few of them are fools as well. It's one thing to say you're a football fan in court documents. But to draw attention to this? Wrong place, wrong time. Foolish.