30 April 2008

Howard’s Weed No Problem For VitaminWater

Mavs Forward Josh Howard’s disclosure of his off-season marijuana didn’t really seem to do much good. Most weren’t thrilled with the revelation, especially coming during a playoff series where he averaged 7 points below his season average. It simply wasn’t very good timing for a disclosure that wasn’t all that prudent in the first place. Nonetheless, while many were disappointed, not everyone was. And one of those who’s taking it in stride is Glaceau VitaminWater, which is endorsed by Howard.

Howard smokes pot? No problem for them! They pointed out that Howard’s a good guy, he helps out the community, etc. But in an all-too subtle approach they also suggested a new off-season routine for him.

"And if Josh is looking for a way to chill out during the off-season, we'll get him a case of VitaminWater B-Relaxed," Repole continued. "It is packed with theanine and b-vitamins, which will help him feel at ease."
Oh yeah. Who needs weed when you’ve got VitaminWater B-Relaxed! That drink should catch on like wildfire now! But imagine the combination of the two. Now that’s an off-season training regimen that all NBA players can embrace.

29 April 2008

Red Sox Nation Just Got A Little Better Looking

As the New York Times pointed out over the weekend, there’s a dating niche site for just about everyone. Dating sites like HorseandCountrySingles.com, Nerdsatheart.com, DateMyPet.com, STDmatch.net (for singles with sexually transmitted diseases), MatureSinglesOnly.com (for people over 50) and Veggielove.com prove just that. And proving that theres a place for everyone in Red Sox Nation, theres now a site for them too. Check out sexySOXgirls.com.

OK, so its not really a site for dating, but rather for gawking. Consider it a Red Sox take on Girls Gone Wild. As the site claims, "Sexy Sox Girls are to Red Sox Nation as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issues are to Sports."

Our vision for this Web site is to shows the nation how beautiful and sexy the ladies of Red Sox Nation are. We offer the following analogy: Sexy Sox Girls are to Red Sox Nation as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issues are to Sports.

The best part - it's democratic. Viewers rate candidates based on a scale of five red socks, with five socks being the creme de la creme. The site also requires applicants to disclose their favorite players, beaches, and bars they patronize. Thats key, as now those viewing the photos will know where to go. And you know theyve got a chance. Theres always a chance.

But theyve got a chance with only the best, as the sites owners approve of every single girl who makes it onto the site. If you dont put forth enough effort, youre got no chance.

So eat it up Red Sox fans. There hasn’t been a 5-sock girl yet. Is there one out there?

28 April 2008

Chipotle Makes the Saints the Team of the Corn

If ivy has become analogous with Wrigley Field and the Chicago Cubs, then the St. Paul Saints hope to form a similar bond with stalks of corn. Well, sort of. The Saints have teamed up with burrito patron-saint Chipotle for an interested promotion this season. They’ll be growing corn above a billboard overlooking Midway Stadium.

Corn seeds will be planted as the season starts, with the hope being that:

a. They’ll grow

b. People will see them and say “yummy, that corn makes me want to eat Chipotle!”

Because the Saints are nothing but ingenious with their promotions, they’ll be extending this partnership to the max. Fans should be rooting for the corn as well as the Saints, as prizes will be given to fans, but they’re dependant on the stalks’ growth. And at the end of the season the corn will be used for salsa at a party. Yummy.

Now baseball fans and agriculturalists can enjoy Saints baseball all year long. Yummy.

22 April 2008

Nice Call, Blue!

Enjoy what must be one of the most obvious bad-calls in a long, long time.

21 April 2008

Case Study On How NOT To Behave After Catching A Foul Ball

Doh! If you're going to showboat and make a big deal out of catching a foul ball, make sure you hold on tight enough not to lose it. Oops!

For Nets No Playoffs, No Problem

For most teams success hinges on making the playoffs, and then advancing in them. That was the benchmark for the New Jersey Nets, whose recent teams netted two NBA Finals appearances this decade. This season the Nets are sitting out the postseason for the first time in seven years. They should be sad, and maybe they are. They won’t let that keep them down, as they’re having playoff events without the playoffs themselves.

The Nets and T-Mobile have teamed up for a promotion called “Stay Connected,” which over a three week stretch will host events allowing fans to have lunch with Nets dancers, participate in a Porsche driving school, and play in a 3-on-3 basketball tournament. Perhaps the best event is the chance to watch other rival teams face-off in the playoffs with Nets coach Lawrence Frank. Perhaps winners will learn from Frank how those teams managed to beat them time and again this past season.

In previous years teams such as the Bulls and Cavaliers have also created similar promotions with T-Mobile. Of course, those teams also happened to make the playoffs too. But just because the Nets couldn’t win on the court doesn’t mean they have to lose off it too.

“We typically are in the playoffs for April through May, and those weeks after the regular season are typically a big period for us to drive sales, but we don’t have that this year,” said Brett Yormark, president and chief executive officer of Nets Sports & Entertainment. “So we have had to manufacture a period of time to create a sense of urgency and to stay engaged with our fans.”
The saying goes that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. The Nets are taking this to heart in their own version. If you don’t make the playoffs, just find a different way to sell the playoffs.

20 April 2008

Despite Where George Karl May Put His Hands, There Was No Happy Ending For The Nuggets

We all know that George Karl is a wild and crazy guy. He used to wear jerseys while coaching, and apparently does some sort of mosh-pit ritual before games. And based on evidence from Sunday's game against the Lakers, he also plays fast and loose with his hands. Take a look where Karl has his hand (see the red arrow). Is he trying to comfort the assistant coach beside him? Is he trying to make a $3,000 seat worth the price? The guy next to Karl certainly looks quite relaxed and comfortable. Needless to say, this is a form of hand-checking not usually seen in the NBA (on the court, at least...).

Carmelo Gets Beaned In The Face; Odom Gets A Good Laugh

It's bad enough to get a ball chucked straight into your face. No laughing matter, right? Well it seems that Lamar Odom got a good chuckle out of Derek Fisher beaning Carmelo Anthony in the face Sunday afternoon. It's easier to see in HD, but bare with me and check out the :15 mark on this video. That hurts. Then the laughter.

17 April 2008

Japanese High School Provides Game To Forget About...Quickly

Talk about demoralizing! It's bad enough to get blown out, but this is a blow-out of epic proportions. Kawamoto Technical High School was down 66-0 with one out in the bottom of the second inning on Thursday when Their coach threw in the proverbial towel. Kawamoto surrendered 26 runs in the first inning and 40 in the second to opponent Shunshukan before the game was called off (and in care you're wondering, the MLB record for most runs scored in an inning by one team is 18, in 1883)

In a cruel twist, all 66 runs were charged to the same pitcher. 1.1 innings pitched yielded 250 pitches. So the coach used the strategy of the mercy rule before he took out his pitcher. Was there nobody else? And don't give me the argument that nobody else on the squad could have done a better job. More like I doubt anyone else could have done a better job giving up 66 runs.

"At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings," Kawamoto's coach was quoted as saying. "There was a danger he could get injured."
Kawamoto's coach obviously was referring to his physical health, but he must be forgetting the mental injuries such a shellacking must do to a high-school aged kid. Nobody wants to be on a team to lose that bad, let alone the kid who gives up every single run. It's nothing other than cruel.

Luckily for the kids on Kawamoto, their mercy rule application helped revert the score from 66-0 to 9-0, giving the squad a little cover-up on a more than embarrassing afternoon. And let's look on the bright side - - there's no way to go but up from here, right?

Kyle Korver Is A Defensive Machine

Who needs photos of drunk celebrities when you can have photos of...terrible defensive maneuvers! Korver's defense last night against Michael Finley makes one think that last month's pose wasn't an aberration, but a trend. Perhaps it can be said Kyle Korver just can't play any D. With the Jazz taking on the Rockets in the first round of the NBA Playoffs, it will be fun to see one of the NBA's best (Shane Battier) against what seems to be one of the worst.

(Photo Credit:Bahram Mark Sobhani/San Antonio Express-News)

16 April 2008

Ric Flair's Retirement Gets The Congressional Recognition It Deserves

On Tuesday U.S. Rep. Sue Myrick honored retiring Pro-Wrestler Ric Flair in the Congressional chamber. She knows it’s fake, right? It’s nice to know our leaders have their priorities straight.

15 April 2008

Hey Bruins Fans: Urine For A Surprise!

On Sunday night the Boston Bruins defeated the Montreal Canadiens in Overtime. 17,565 Bruins fans were there for the excitement to start the game, but at most 17,564 saw the exciting finale.

That’s because one fan was arrested and charged with Open and Gross Lewdness and Disorderly Conduct. That might sound like nothing, right? Think again. That’s also known for peeing on people.

Officers were informed that the noted individual had been observed reaching into his pants with his hands and manipulating his hands inside his pants. According to event staff and event guests, the suspect then exposed himself and started urinating on event guests causing then to become hysterical and attempt to escape from the confined area.
Imagine that. But this is Boston. Why did people put up with this, and why wasn’t he beat up? Fans’ reaction is bad enough when soda gets spilled and the floors get sticky. At a San Francisco Giants game you might expect fans to wonder about his and state of mind (he had to take a piss) and his motivations (he didn’t want to miss any action). In Boston you’d expect him to get a black eye. A urine-soaked black eye.

It was a memorable game indeed. The Bruins won in OT, and a few fans to soaked in pee.

11 April 2008

It’s Time For This Glasgow Rangers Fan To Invest In A TV

When I see one of my neighbors I (almost) always say hello and offer up some other sort of perfunctory remark. See, I’ll never know when, in a time of need, I’ll need a cup of sugar (or something like that). Perhaps I’ll never need sugar, but you get the idea. Such behavior would have been a good idea for George Bowman of Arboarth.

Bowman really wanted to watch the Glasgow Rangers’ victory over Sporting Lisbon on Thursday. He thought he could watch with his neighbor, but the neighbor wasn’t down. He knocked not one, not two, not three, but four times on four different occasions to be let in to no avail. Why he couldn’t watch on his own I don’t know. That would have been easier, right? Well then it got interesting, as described by Bowman’s lawyer.

“His neighbour did his best to ignore the repeated visits but eventually called the police and, ironically, it was on his final visit that he decided to take two butter knives with him as an ill-considered mock threat and had the door opened to him by police officers.”
Did I mention that Bowman was drunk? Maybe the proposed 30 cent tax on beer should be extended from California to the UK as well. Never mind that. It was just butter knives, after all.

I guess the silver lining is that while Bowman spent the night in jail and didn’t watch the game, at least his team won without his support. That has to help...right?

08 April 2008

Ari Fleischer Solves The Olympic Torch Protest Problem

We get it by now. This Summer’s Olympics are going to be memorable, if only because the risk of chaos seems to be incredibly high. For example, they can’t even run around with the Olympic torch without incident. Protestors seem to be getting the best of the situation, and it’s becoming a problem to some.

So with this going on there are lots of options as to what should be done. And who better to give suggestions than former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, now of Ari Fleischer Sports Communications. Tell us, wise sage.

Fleischer says cancelling the torch relay or even discussing the possibility of relocating the Games would be a disastrous move because "it would inflame the protestors."

Olympic organizers "don't have a lot of options," Fleischer says. "China is in a terrible spot of its own making. No one should be sympathetic to the Chinese and this is only going to get worse heading towards the Games."

"Right now, it's pretty manageable," Fleischer says. "It's not like there's 250 protestors grabbing for the torch. Maybe the best thing they could do is to get faster runners [emphasis added]."
So true. None of the protesters would have an impact if the torch-bearers would just out-run them! Genius! Did he also have great ideas like this for the Iraq War? Whatever his monthly retainer costs, it's worth it.

While it’s no surprise that Fleischer would give great advice, based on his previous work he might be predisposed to side with the Chinese. Consider what he said on September 19th, 2001, responding to something said by Bill Maher:
“They're reminders to all Americans that they need to watch what they say, watch what they do. This is not a time for remarks like that; there never is.”
Eh, forget all of that. Just run faster.

07 April 2008

Billy Packer and Dick Cheney: Separated At Birth?

As March Madness comes to a close, we bid farewell to the love and excitement that the tournament gives to men (and some women) across the land. There’s another ritual that’s about to expire as well, and that’s "Billy Packer Hatred." Given the incredible exposure Packer is given, it’s amazing that he could drum up such ill-will with the general public.

Here’s just a smidgen of the feedback Packer received after Saturday’s Final Four games.

  • The N.Y. Post’s Phil Mushnick: “But he now seems compelled to say something - anything - on every possession, and you know where that takes him and us. For example, Saturday, Memphis had the ball, up 24-23 over UCLA, when Packer said, "An opportunity, here, for Memphis to increase the margin." That's not analysis, that's filler.”
  • So said the Toronto Star’s Chris Zelkovich: “Packer appears to be from the school that believes TV listings should read like this: ``Announcer Billy Packer expresses his multitude of opinions and thoughts for two hours while two college basketball teams try to win a game. In Packer's world, every play requires a comment even if there's nothing to say.”
  • And then there’s Sean Horgan of the Myrtle Beach Sun News, who brought Packer-hatred to a whole new level. Horgan referred to Packer as “disposable,” labeling him an analyst “whose one-size-fits-all analysis tells you the same things about the same games no matter which teams are playing.” Well, at least Packer doesn’t take sides, right?
Horgan then dropped this generation’s equivalent of the A-bomb on Packer:
"Packer is the Dick Cheney of sports announcing. The only thing that makes him remotely palatable is the serial niceness of Jim Nantz."
Cheney! As outlandish as the comment is, there is some resemblance, right? So is this how Cheney spends his time - - not at an undisclosed location but chasing the ghosts of Patrick Ewing and Miles Simon around? Perhaps Packer can spend the off season helping The Daily Show get the most out of the rest of the Bush/Cheney Presidency.

Billy Packer sure has his detractors, but it seems as though a level of criticism could be leveled at any of the announcers out there today. So is Packer really that bad? I’m not sold, but based on the above (and more), Packer certainly has some feedback with which to work on for the next few months.

Introducing Cirque du Blue Jay

No, this isn’t a scene from The Matrix, nor Cirque du Sol Soleil. The Red Sox might have beaten the Blue Jays on Sunday, but Kevin Youkilis got the better of this exchange between Vernon Wells and John McDonald. The collision resulted in a triple for Youkilis, who as we all know isn’t exactly known for his speed. John McDonald can now be referred to as “Neo.”

02 April 2008

A Few Simple Marathon Tips For The Uninitiated

Running a marathon is a pretty difficult thing, and completing one is a great accomplishment. In its essence it’s a pretty simple sport. You run, run, and run some more. But if you’re a Maasai warrior from Tanzania heading to the UK for the London marathon, it’s a little bit different. And thus the “Visiting England: A Cultural Briefing For The Warriors” was born.

Some of the tips: always wear pants in public. And don’t spit either. And they must also leave the cows alone.

If they spot cows or sheep in a field during their visit, the warriors are also asked to ignore an instinct to start herding them. “You may see these animals in a field, seemingly left alone. It is important to remember that these animals are owned by someone and are being looked after,” says the guide.
The warriors must also beware of the English people. They might used to the dangerous elements of Tanzania, but they’re also warned of the “stressed English office worker” who trudges around London.
“Even though some may look like they have a frown on their face, they are very friendly people. Many of them just work in offices – jobs they don’t enjoy – and so they do not smile as much as they should.”
That sounds more like a warning not to move to London more than anything, doesn’t it?

The focus of the Maasai's trip is to run the marathon, but they’re also hoping to raise money towards water supplies for their native land. Everyone deserves clean water, right? So run on, Maasai, run on!